The last time I blogged was approximately 3 months ago. Since then I have experienced yet another change or transition. I relocated my life and baby, once again, back to Chicago, Illinois. Unable to afford the cost of living between 2 states, I decided to drive the 30 hour distance in order to get my baby here and establish her family. By establish, meeting her father and my family. Yes, her father. In the past 3 months, I have attempted to reckon the compromise of life. As having had my father present in my life all of my life, that relationship for my daughter is of the utmost importance. And since being back “home,” my trueness to that statement has been tested. Many have asked, “Are you moving back to LA?” “Are you two gonna be together?” ” Where will you live?” “What are you gonna do for money?” and the list goes on and on and on and on. And I have stuck to my guns through many outside attempts to find a crack in my story. I am here because I need to be here for love and support of my family and so that my daughter and her father can have a relationship, if he had in fact expressed sincere desire for that. So far, it has been expressed. And he too, has officially questioned my motive. In fact, not only questioned it, but answered it as well.
Winter is on its way. And so with all these looming inquiries about my intentions, I dare to question everyone else’s intentions about MY life and my daughter’s life. As a new mother, am I required to have all the answers for those who question me? I take my life and my daughter’s life one day at a time. And many times, the days overlap because the stress of being a mother (whether happy or challenging) can be overwhelming, and furthermore, the stress of being a mother with my child’s father in tow, is the cherry on top of the stress sundae. Am I supposed to be comfortable allowing all humans beings into my child’s life because they express desire to be there? Am I supposed to go against the basic intuitive laws of a mother’s nature and place my child in what I perceive as possible danger because checking out the territory for myself? Am I supposed to rush to get a job just because the world says that the single mother is supposed to be able to do it all, as if being a mother is not full time and overtime enough and underpaid and underappreciated enough? Am I required to trust anyone who has carefully crafted a life out of a lie and the only reason the truth came out is because it was forced out, like a pressure cooker, and ignore my mother’s nature of intuition that “something’s just not right?”
Well, frankly, I am exhausted of your and everyone else’s desire for me to negate the truth just to uphold the lies that have already been clearly exposed. Since I have taken responsibility for my actions, I do not intend to reverse my state of being. If nothing else, I have learned and understood the test of integrity, which some question if I have passed or failed. Well, when a woman having passed the test of integrity states her intentions, it would seem that she would be trusted, no questions asked. And so from here on, I have proven myself, I have lived up to my words, my standards, and my requirements as a mother, to love and nurture life (and to that end as a new mother, the best that I know how). If anyone has a question for any of that, I do not have answers and I will refuse to answer.
I would hope that the appropriate people are reading this blog. And if you have any questions, please scroll back up and take another read.
Good day friends.
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That was an unedited and unposted excerpt from this summer. Since that stressful period of “family integration,” things have surely taken turns unexpected and finally, settled to where it is today. Beautiful victory is now 9 months old with a personality all her own, except for maybe the “stank” faces, that may or may not have been influenced by me. On this day, I continue to enjoy being a mother, all the more, having accepted the journey to define my own values, spiritually, family, materially, emotionally, and otherwise. They have certainly been tested, questioned, and even ultimately authorized by me. But now that I have settled into this person that I am going to be for a very long time…I LOVE IT! Part of my values include living life with no regrets. This means that whatever decisions I’ve made to date, with whatever information I had available at the time to make them, was meant to be exactly that. No stress and no sweat off my brow. I LOVE being a family, whatever that looks like right now. It’s beautiful.
So finally, I’ve decided not to let anyone define who I am, who I want to be, or who I will become. Living in the moment is so much more powerful than that. And I hope that you and anyone else who influences your life directly is living like 9 month-old “Beautiful Victory….in the moment with no regrets.
Forgiveness—Giving up the hope that the past could have been any different (Oprah Winfrey). I forgive you and your active response to my prayer lets me know that you’ve forgiven me as well.
Love exponentiated,
Jacinta
